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trying on a mask

((Private entry))

i felt like wearing some makeup today, so i did. it's not really about feeling girly or anything.... i mean, that's stupid. it's more like...


i used to present myself very nakedly and honestly to people. and with everything that's happened in the past year or so, i feel inhibited again. like after mom died. not that bad, though the nightmares *still* happen. but anyway, even though i've got no reason to hide my opinions or feelings, there's just— there's this core being i used to project, and i don't want to project it anymore.

or maybe the thing is i shouldn't project it anymore. maybe it's like i thought i presented myself honestly, like i was always myself, but i think i've been pretending this whole time.

i think there's something really fucked up in my brain and i always hid it with big smiles and stoner talk. i don't have the energy for that now. if i'm going to hide part of myself, i might as well do it with masks and ceremony. i might as well present myself with some clear façades and boundaries, instead of continuing to pretend i'm sunny, happy mary all the time. the boundaries would actually be *more honest* in a way.

so yeah. makeup. i tried my old lipstick and some eyeliner. i'm going just a bit gothier. it's fake, it's not the real me, but you don't want to know the real me.