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ahead of myself

((Private entry))

what do i want out of love and making love? is it another body, is it a body that i can treat as mine? is it a body where i see myself inside? it isn't to possess another's body that's like my own, because then i'd want women, though i've sometimes thought about them, every now and again. it isn't to possess a body that's the opposite of mine, because a man does not "complete" me.

i think i want creation, and i can't drive myself crazy over that but the fact is i feel it every day. i had my chance and it was taken away from me. i'd have thrown the chance away, too— it was the wrong time, the wrong way. a one in a million wrong time. it hurts, it hurts so much.

but i'm being so selfish. even when i got older, when i could afford the cost, what would i do with anything living, brought out of myself? i wouldn't know the first thing, and i've had my share of caretaking for one summer. that was with a grown man. i could be a mother but not a parent.

i could consider surrogacy, down the road, but it might not share any part of me. if it did, there are his feelings to think of. he's possessive and so am i.

i'm so ahead of myself. i'm 19. i don't know what he wants out of love, either.