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Jun. 20th, 2010

In bed

dammit seriously what the fuck

((Friends-only entry))

ok. i just got this e-mail from my dad and i don't really know what to do. apparently.... like. fuck.

he's been in debt for years, he got into it after mom died, all kinds of bad choices with gambling and credit card purchases and hell knows what else. i didn't know that till this e-mail. he didn't tell me. why wouldn't he tell me? it's bad debt, too. not like anything can get repo'd, but i mean... it used to be almost a *hundred thousand dollars*... now it's gone down but it's difficult to manage on his professor's salary. he's been at a dead end for how to handle it, lately.

a month or two ago though, mom's old publisher approached him to see if now that a few years have passed, did he know of anything she was writing that could get put out posthumously. the manuscript she'd been working on was nowhere near done, so he said no, but they... worked out a deal where he'd write a memoir about her and his life with her.

i haven't written my reply yet but i'm so mad. yeah this'll help him maybe get his remaining debt down to no more than $10k, if the book sales go well, but he's making money off of her. it's *mom*. i couldn't seem him doing this in a million years but he totally is. what the fuck. what the fuck?! couldn't he write a book about something else? he so could. allegedly i'm not going to get mentioned all that much but goddammit i think i deserve some say in this, don't i? *shit*!

Jun. 13th, 2010

Wary

progressing some

((Private entry))

writing writing writing. what's that thing, automatic writing? it almost feels like that.

a woman hiking goes off the trail and finds a cabin, up in the mountains. the alps. a violent thunderstorm blows through. she's probably safe but she knows she'll get lost unless she waits for the sun to come back. so she sits in the cabin with her flashlight and finds a journal.

the journal belongs to another woman, victoria karlsteen, and that's what the real story is about. the last days of her life, or so they might be. weeks worth of scrawling her past while waiting for something to happen that terrifies her with the very prospect— the return of the creature she grew here in this cabin that used to be her laboratory.

i'm keeping the science minimal. it's not supposed to be science fiction. and the creature is a human being, in fact, but i'm trying to make it only as human as an uncanny-valley imitation can be.

i can also feel a twist coming but even saying it here might still be saying too much too fast.

Jun. 7th, 2010

Dr. Mary

something's funky

((Friends-only entry))

i guess i am a lot like mom.

something feels off back home though. i mean, good break and stuff, but dad's not telling me whatever's on his mind. i really don't like that.

after i finish my work i think i need to smoke up and clear my head.

Jun. 1st, 2010

Just a shirt

off early

i'm taking off early for the turkey day break, and abducting the boyfriend too. i'll see you cats and kittens later.

everything just feels a million times better than i ever remember it being. i don't know why. or maybe i do. but every twenty-four hours run better than the last, even though the days are dark. i've always thought i was kind of a morning person, i'm not such a night owl, but maybe i do better after the sun's set than i thought.

how... vampiric?

never got the hang of vampires, honestly. they're kind of in that cool vein of things that evoke humans' primitive nature, but i just don't think they're creepy (or hot). i'll take flesh-eating bacteria instead.

May. 28th, 2010

Free

link + thanks

((Friends-only entry))

link that made me happy

i don't have much besides that.

thanks, doyle, for the name ideas, though.

secret: i'm writing a story. first time.

May. 20th, 2010

Noir

for once i like actually talk about obgyn for a sec

this is going to sound like a weird question, but if anyone's bored, i... need some names? good intellectual names. gender (if any) isn't really important for now, i don't think....

i read that apparently the acog (american college of obstetricians and gynecologists) made a new statement about pap smears; they're saying to wait till you're 21 for your first. i decided to read what i could of their report and it sounds like this is based on how younger women are predisposed to cervical abnormalities that the testing will reveal but that aren't actually dangerous and go away naturally. if you have surgery done to correct the abnormalities, that's ok, but it might increase premature births and the need for c-sections.

not sure what i think, honestly. the rules before were "21 or within 3 years of becoming sexually active, whichever happens first." and i think it's good to not have the obgyn community in a constant freakout over the habits and health of usually unmarried college-age women. that attitude is kind of old-fashioned, to say the least. at the same time, i've always thought more screening— for anything— is smarter. they're also saying to have less/later mammograms these days, too, and i'm like, "isn't early detection kind of the *point* of detecting anything?" plus, concerns about effects on pregnancies are totally merited in terms of maternal and fetal health, but there's a point where the concern can start to sound like all anyone cares about is guaranteeing a woman's ability to be a baby machine.

it's kinda tricky to sort out. but i'll accept just about anything the acog decides/promotes as long as they're making recommendations rather than requirements. in any issue like this, but especially one that's such a mixed bag, the choice is really in the patient's hands.

May. 15th, 2010

Closeup

figured it out

((Private entry))

i've got it figured out. i don't know how to put it in words yet, but last night something just clicked in my brain and the words will come soon enough. it came either from the sex or from the dream i had later, or both. in the dream, i was stuck inside a house i didn't recognize during a thunderstorm, except claire was there and we were both captivated by the lightning that we could watch strike outside our window. one strike felt like it went through my entire nervous system.

i'm 19 and pre-med and still attempting to have a social life, and i even have a romantic life. there's no way that i have the time to do this and there's no reason it should be good at all. but i'm going to write a book.

the premise is all set. it's not like one of mom's books. it's a horror story.

May. 11th, 2010

Altered state

see me through

mantra for midterms, maybe, but more likely for shit in general.

i have the patience of a pine tree, and of the sleeping squirrel, and of the owl gazing at moonlit shrubs. i am strong and steady as a whale. i will endure because the turtle children always make it to the sea, because the geese always find the warmer southern winds. i am the glacier that brings down a mountain. nothing can intimidate me except myself.

May. 6th, 2010

Just a shirt

contexts

((Private entry))

of course, when i tell *bell* that i had to miss class 'cause i was in the hospital, he just gives me this look like he knew everything, the whole time. i'm sure that he did. doyle's so much like him, it makes me wonder if he could've guessed, too. then it makes me wonder if everyone knew.

they didn't, they don't, but fuck... what would i do if they did? should i tell more people? i mean, i'm not ashamed.

maybe in a good context. just like i'd talk about other personal, private shit like mom, or my sex life, if the context made sense. i keep those things private because it's my right to. because i can.

then again, there's also stuff i keep private because it's too fucked up to discuss without sounding like there's something wrong with me. i... think this incident could be one of those things. not the what of it, but the how and the why and just... everything running through my mind.....

i just don't even know what to do with myself. and i'm glad i have a single so that i can sit here and cry like it'll do me some good even though it won't.

May. 2nd, 2010

Just a shirt

the magical disappearing mary

hi. i know i disappeared from like, everywhere, for a few days. everything's going to be ok. there was just a brief emergency. that said, i have a fuckton of notes to get for all my classes, and some midterms to already make up. this is gonna be so fun.

luckily i didn't miss election day. absentee ballots to the rescue. i wonder what the turnout was like this year since it wasn't presidential.

apparently i'm going to lose even more free time, but it's my fault, 'cause i agreed to help jb out with his play that's going up this term. i'm... stage manager? which to be honest i've never done before. but it sounds like something i could do. or so *he* says.

Apr. 26th, 2010

In bed

ripped away

((Private entry))

worst halloween i can think of. i finally had my laptop brought over here to the hospital; i'm stuck here till probably wednesday or so till they're totally convinced i'm stable. nobody knows about this except jb and dad, just like nobody knew about anything originally.

"clinical spontaneous abortion, embryo not viable. likely cause, chromosomal abnormality, due to stage of development at time of pregnancy's termination."

((OOC: Cut for content.))Collapse )

Apr. 20th, 2010

Cradled in the womb

not right

((Private entry))

i had my nightmare again and i felt sick all day this time. i'm holding it back. if i can make it through all the 'ween partying and midterms, then there's just the trip and....

something.

something doesn't feel right. and it's not the choice i've made here. it's something else.

Apr. 15th, 2010

Wary

anemic royalty

"i sit and drink pennyroyal tea
distill the life inside of me
i sit and drink pennyroyal tea
i'm anemic royalty"

being a dork is listening to nirvana all day long, but you can't stop me. i think one of my tons of ideas for bands is a nirvana cover trio. for now i'm stuck playing rock band, though. maybe i should learn an instrument besides just singing.

has it really been 12 years since matthew shepard was killed? i remember that was like the first big tragic news story that my parents sat me down and told me about. i was little and it upset me a lot, because once they explained what being gay meant, i didn't get why anyone would hate someone like that. since my parents weren't married i just understood that "mom and dad love each other very much so they live together" and i figured that if any people loved each other so much that they'd live together, that was pretty normal and totally ok.

that's how i'm a romantic maybe. love gets used to describe so many things that aren't love, but *real* love.... no one should ever try to stop that, ever.

Apr. 10th, 2010

Bath mirror

nausea, vomiting, relief

((Private entry))

i met two guys in the space of actually about 24 hours. in between, i threw up, not because of either. it just seemed like a great coincidence.

first guy didn't make me think of a blog troll overall but.... same attitude. "you've asserted yourself as a woman and/or feminist. now justify it to me, a.k.a. listen to me insult you with sexually borderline-threatening comments." doesn't matter if you chew him out or slap him in the face, he'll come up with a reason why he still won that exchange even though the real reason is just "you're female." i think i just want to know why people like this *bother* saying they want to have open discussion. if you can't see it's just them looking for an excuse to publicly masturbate... i think you're blind.

so then the next morning i wake up a couple hours too early because i have morning sickness. i wasn't too surprised given the 6 week mark, though that didn't make it any better. while i knelt and the bile came up it all seemed inhuman. the first guy had made a sick comment about having me feel like a real woman. i wished i could have vomited on *him* and told him that's what being a real woman felt like at the moment. i wondered if i could have vomited up what was causing me to do so in the first place.

second guy was a breath of fresh air in ways i didn't count on. he said he wanted open discussion, too, and he actually *wanted* it. i'm just hoping that talking to me actually gave him some answers. i felt like mom for a moment. and that was weird.

Apr. 6th, 2010

Just a shirt

getting out of myself

so like... i told some of you i was planning on wasting some time soon. in that way. and then i totally didn't do anything yet. i've had *no time*, grrr. except now maybe tomorrow could work. just fyi. i'll text, unless i don't have your numbers.

sorry, i'm just not coherent. i'm so out of it. more than ever it's like i'm trapped inside myself and my life, not connecting with the world...

it'll get better. it's got to.

Apr. 1st, 2010

Dr. Mary

at a low

((Private entry))

i went to health services and got a swine flu shot. it didn't seem like anything i needed to bother with and i've got really mixed feelings on the whole... pandemic concept thing. but my immune system is at a low, to say the least.

everything's just so fucking disrupted. why is this term like... just when everything gets better, it's worse again?

i'm keeping myself going. and he does help more than he realizes.

Mar. 27th, 2010

Closeup

buffy + good mood

i just found my favorite series of blog entries everrr. feminism and joss whedon on meloukhia. start at the bottom and scroll up, then go to page 1 and do the same, since the entries run backwards. also, have a lot of free time. ok, the only show of his where i've seen every ep is buffy (i liked what i saw of firefly but i'm just not a sci fi person usually), so it all means a little less to me than it could to some of my friends. but it's pretty awesome reading, especially since it's about as fair and open-minded a critique of his tv as i've ever run across... breaking down the problematic, not-very-feminist parts of things without saying *he* can't be a feminist. i think i'm just going to link to this in the next fem dialogue discussion where someone's like "how can buffy be your favorite show?" it's my favorite show *because* it has so many problems with gender constructs but simultaneously fulfills most of whedon's goals for it. endless analysis! plus, i mean, as meloukhia points out, look at the cultural context of the show's debut. there was *nothing* even remotely on its level. i'd say there still isn't.

oh, and those vampires could kick the ass of anything stephenie meyer's ever invented. just for the record.

i kind of really want to go back through my dvds of the series. viewing parties??? haha, if i have time. ever. anyway, this is like the happiest, bounciest mood i've had in weeks, but i think it's 'cause i finally got everything right on a latin assignment. go me.

Mar. 23rd, 2010

Just a shirt

stop thinking

((Private entry))

i got so dumb and choked up when i was hiking with ava. the mountains do that to me anyway, but there i had to go, getting all think-y.

not like it matters now, i'm over it. i don't have a responsibility toward anyone in this besides *me*. responsibility's a question once you've already made a life that's independent. it's just...

when does life ever become really independent? *really*?

i think on some level i'm choosing this because i don't want to do it to something he and i made, even by accident, but my whole sense of relationships and power dynamics and everything are just like... i'd be a good mother and yet somehow i'd scar the kid for life. even if i gave them away.

that makes no sense, i should do homework.

Mar. 21st, 2010

Altered state

so

((Friends-only entry))

high school friend was passing through the area, she had some *nice* grass. i got some of it now. takers?

Mar. 18th, 2010

Cradled in the womb

go faster

((Private entry))

stuff's underway. i told dad because i just wanted him to know somehow. and 'cause i don't know if the insurance cares with me only being 19. they *shouldn't* care, but since i've got the privilege of a parent who doesn't care, didn't even ask me too many questions, just said he loved me, and since i expected and hoped for as much... why not save the possibility of paperwork.

i want to write and write now. i just don't know what. it'd be about this, even though all i want is for it to be over. ultrasound happens in another week, first slot i could grab. i don't want to do this but some of my tests apparently indicated i should. i don't want to look. but since it's medical and not moral, i'm not going to question it. i just... don't want to look.

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